So last week has pretty much got me like this:
And you might ask, as to why I was just constantly rolling around the floor, in a state of high anxiety and worry? The answer... MY FUTURE CHOICES. No three words have caused me to flee in a state of panic like those have. There's always been a constant disdain on my part, that hates the very thought of trying to plan what to do with my life, choosing things that perhaps in a year, I could hate for the rest of my life. That in a split of a second, I've literally carved everything out in stone for the world and myself to read (a.k.a, personal statements) And yet, I know this has to be done, that I can't wander without a direction forever,
well in my case that "no direction" would lead me straight into river island.
And so, I took the week to finally complete the tasks that I had been putting off (for an amount of time I would not like to discuss) I sat down and actually wrote my personal statement, sent away applications and looked at alternatives in case plan A failed. Although by the end of it, I was rather like this...
Who knew that organising your life could be so exhausting, huh? So, all that's now left to do is wait to hear back from potential universities and educational establishments. In some ways, I think this is, even more, nerve-wracking than applying. You begin to question whether you made the right choices, you start compulsorily search everything ever to do with the University, convinced that you'll be murdered in your bed if you ever go there. And then, of course, there's the worry of "what will I do if they don't accept me?" And this thought is the main reason I feel like so many, including myself, are stopped from trying to strive for our "dreams" The fear of being rejected, of trying your best and somehow still finding that your best efforts weren't good enough. And according to a highly scientific source
Tumblr, this is common in people who are classed as "perfectionists." something I claim that I have done and still do today, especially when it comes to something like exams, or proving myself with a grade. The problem is, not many people know the cure, in my opinion, I feel like this has something to do with self-acceptance, learning that you're not perfect, and in truth, you never will be, along with this, learning to appreciate the things you're actually good at. It's all really to with coming to terms with who you actually are, in a world that's so obsessed with the perfect. Which is why I'm now trying to accept myself, learning that when I try best, that's all I could have ever asked for. Learning that, my path and journey doesn't have to look like anyone else's, I don't to match everyone else around me. And by doing this, in time, I'm hoping that I don't go into seasonal hiding when the time comes to finally make a decision. ( I say hopefully...)
That's all for now,
Love Indie x
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